How to Date

For whatever reason, people are always sending me links to articles  on the Internet like, “Angry Penguin Sex,”  “Day Game,”  and, this was sent to me a while ago but I just recently dug it up during a suicide-inducing effort to clean out my inbox, “How to Date a Wall Street Man.”   I suspect that the real reason I’m the lucky recipient of all these articles is because people are beginning to catch on to the fact that when I’m always like “You guys, I’m too tired/busy/overbooked to come to this party,’ what I’m really doing is cradling Firefox and watching bootleg DVDs of Californication Season 5 (awesome, seriously, watch it ASAP).  Yes I know I should have moved onto Chrome by now, but I haven’t because I have this thing called loyalty.  Or resistance to change, whatever.

Let’s talk about the penguins for just a minute.  In the article it says “Levick also claimed that the penguins, in a complete aberration of nature, had sexual activity for purposes other than reproduction.”  Such animals, these penguins.  In their defense, “a dead penguin, lying with its eyes half-open, is very similar in appearance to a compliant female.”  If that isn’t reasonable doubt right there, I don’t know what is.

WSM get a bad rap.  I get this, because my first instinct after reading this article is to track down this writer woman and smack her silly with my fingers laden with skull rings.  But after some reflection, I realized that WSM just come off as horrible human beings because they’re simple people: wear a suit, make some money, eat a steak, romp with sexy women.  That’s it.  Nothing mind blowing, but it could be worse.  The only thing worse than a really simple man is a really complicated man.

Anyway, because “How to date a WSM” is so utterly useless to most of us stuck here so far from Wall Street, I have decided to use my precious free time wisely by writing an article called “How To Date a Guy Who Came to China Because He Couldn’t Make It On Wall Street.”  Okay, that’s too harsh.  There are some dudes who come to China because they really love it or really care or have real dreams about changing the world or whatever.  If you meet any of these dudes, good for you.  For now I’ll just group all guys into one group called Foreign Dudes In China – FDIC.  (See what I did there? No? Okay.)

What all FDIC do the minute their plane lands in the great PRC is to jump on the first local girl they see.  When they see the next local girl, they immediately abandon the first and jump on the second.  At least this is what I have been able to observe with my own eyes.  Since there is an endless stream of local girls around, I could easily re-title this article to be called “How To Act Like a Local Girl to Attract FDIC.”

1.  Stop eating dinner.  There are some lucky bitches with amazing metabolism all over the world, but China still has a disproportionate number of ultra-skinny women roaming around, and this is because rice, meat, and dinner have been eliminated from their diets.  I know this because I used to work in an organization with like, 2500 local women, and they were constantly walking around fainting.  The first few times this happened, I freaked out and sent them to the hospital immediately, like any concerned and western-trained manager with fainting employees would do.  Every time the medical reports came back the same: the patient suffers from mal-nutrition, a calorie-intake about 1/5 of what it should be, and no protein from a complete lack of a meat in the diet.  I did everything I could do to encourage these girls to eat more at lunch, but they just got nauseous and ended up vomiting in the company bathroom.  After about a month I got used to leaving unconscious bodies strewn about the company hallways.

2.  Act crazy.  Okay, admittedly, crazy is a subjective term.  In all fairness, all the local girls think I’m the crazy one.  Every time I open my mouth and say anything, they just can’t believe it.  One time I told one of the girls that I would like her to be the surrogate mother of my child, and I think she was super offended.  JOKING, you girls.

Seriously, though, most local girls seem to have tons of time to spend on skulking around and jumping out of the bushes.  After hanging out a while with my guy friends, I have seen this in both the figurative and literal sense.  Sometimes you come out of the elevator and it’s like Whoa, here you are…but why?  Sometimes you have to get a second phone number because your first number won’t stop ringing from the same calling source.  I used to always wonder why people think the 100th re-dial would get picked up if 1-99 didn’t.  But then I saw the effect of exhaustion.  Avoiding people is tiring.  Sometimes it’s easier to just keep dragging along.

3.  Stop shaving.  This will be easy to do because the razors and shaving cream in China suck ass.  I have to import my stuff, as anyone who cares about having supple, ingrowns-free skin should.  Waxing is out of the question.  I had once found a spa that offered waxing treatments, in the basement of a hotel, but the day when I would let a Chinese worker pour hot wax onto my naked body is a day that will never come.  Sometimes I have to fly to Hong Kong.  Sometimes I have to fly to LA.  This is just one of those unfortunate circumstances of Beijing life.  But you don’t have to do any of these things if you are willing to localize and fit in.

One time I had to shower in a public bathhouse with 50 naked women soaping up all around me.  This was 2 days after I flew back from one of my LA trips.  It was a weird and uncomfortable experience for everyone involved.

4.  Ask the man to pay for your rent.  Disappear from his life preceded by an ultimatum if he doesn’t.  Stalk him endlessly if he silently rejects your ultimatum and accepts your disappearance.

5.  Be completely arbitrary about who you do and don’t have sex with.  I have been in Beijing for over a year now and I’ve been looking like a statistic-possessed addict for a pattern on what type of guys the local women will and will not sleep with.  Fail, you guys.  Playing the roulette in Vegas can guarantee more predictability.  I just have no idea.

6.  Wear heels to the most ridiculous places.  Last summer I went to hike some crazy steep section of the Great Wall.  I was wearing a tshirt, gym shorts and sneakers, and I almost died.  I immediately contracted a fever from the exhaustion and had to sleep the rest of the day off, which I admit was partially my own fault for being crazy out of shape and lazy.  The girl in front of me was wearing a billowing ankle-length dress and 4-inch stilettos.  I have to say, given the circumstances she made it amazingly far before she took off her shoes and did the rest of the hike in her nylon stockings.

7.  Establish intimacy with anyone within 30 seconds.  Growing up in the states, I think my childhood best friend and I made it 10 or 15 years before we ever ventured into a hug.  And we have never, ever, ever held hands.  There have been these strange encounters here where some girl grabs my hand 15 minutes after we’ve met.  Sometimes people put their hands on my thigh during a work meeting.  I don’t want to exhibit intimacy issues or anything, but that is fucking weird.  And I’m just a girl.  I don’t know how these girls establish intimacy with guys in 15 minutes.  But I can kind of guess.

Well, kids, that should be sufficient information to formulate a fool-proof plan.  If that doesn’t work, then something is wrong with you, or the world.